The Weight
by secretlyeden
Summary: Dean comes back to find Sam and Ruby together, but is it really Ruby? And if not where is she? If he gets her back can they fight off the weight of the world on their shoulders?
1. Part I

**A/N: This story was originally a oneshot, actually originally it was a nine hundred word drabble about Dean coming back from hell, it grew... a little bit... into ya know...this. It's now over forty pages and 20,000 words. Finally I decided I had to break it up it was just too darn big for a oneshot so now we have a little twoshot action going on. The Dean and Ruby in my head just demanded I keep telling this story. I really, really loved working on it. There are definitely dark spots so if you want purely fluff turn back now (but there's fluff too I promise). I hope you enjoy reading it. Don't forget to review! Also if you've been reading _Never Enough_ I know I should be updating that instead of posting this but this was written a loooong time ago and consider it a little something to hold you over until I can find time to write the next chapter of NE.**

**Summary:** Dean comes back from hell to find his brother has crawled in bed with Ruby. But is it really Ruby? Will he ever get her back? And if he can, will they ever be able to escape the hell that they carry with them?

**Timeline**: Season 3 & 4  
**Spoilers**: Seasons 1-4  
Heavy Dean & Ruby, Sam, Bobby, and Castiel also star.  
**Rating**: Somewhere between T and M, leaning toward M. Rated for torture and language, kinda dark in spots but nothing explicit…  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters, except the new ones. And the story is (mostly) mine as well (you might recognize a few episode storylines or quotes those are borrowed). Cause if I owned Dean Winchester he would not be allowed to leave my apartment.

GenRuby and CassidyRuby make appearances, I'll let you be the judge of who I like better.

_Flashbacks in italics, and there are __**a lot **__of them so if for some reason you're opposed to flashbacks, turn back now._

* * *

**The Weight**

**Part I: All I See**

_Watch what you say, the devil is listenin'_

_He's got ears that you wouldn't believe_

_And brother once you go to him_

_It's your soul you can never retrieve_

_These blood red eyes don't see so good,_

_What's worse is if they could,_

_Would I change my ways?_

_Wasted times and broken dreams,_

_Violent colors so obscene_

_It's all I see these days._

_- __**The Black Keys **__These days_

* * *

When Dean came back from hell it was a violent affair. Dean woke up in the ground. He knew where he was even before he clicked on the lighter. Of course, he was in his own grave. And he was sure that he was alive. He could feel his heart beating, feel the air in his lungs; there's no way this is hell. Those small comforts that remind you who you were are stripped from you the moment you die. But, the air is fleeting and he will _not _die again. As if they were acting on their own his hands started to claw at the wood above his head. Somewhere in his mind he knew the wood was tearing his skin from his bone but he couldn't seem to feel it. The dirt finally started to fall on his face and he knew there were six long feet to the surface. He saw the sun for the first time in forty years. It hurt his eyes. _It's okay; I'm okay now, I'm out. _It was the first of many lies he'll get used to telling himself_. Sam. He just has to find Sam._ Every tree around his grave was flattened. _Dammit Sam, please tell me you didn't do something stupid_. His throat is dry, like sandpaper, he needs water. Everything else he can figure out later. _How long has it been? Forty years. _Dean looked down at his hands, his arms, his body looked the same age maybe even younger than when he died. The scars were gone, washes clean by fire and brimstone it seemed. When he finally found a newspaper he was shocked and not surprised at all. _Only four months. _Then came the ear drum busting, teeth grinding _noise, _and it was all around him, and it _hurt._

* * *

He went to Bobby's, because Bobby's was the only solid place they had, and he endured every test Bobby threw his way without protest. Because if things were different he'd do the same. Lies, they just spill out. He can't stop them. Lies, about hell. After all of it he found Sam, _finally. _But apparently his little brother has become the ass who can't remember the girl's name, he's so proud. Sam made him go through the same tests, once, twice, he endures. He's out of hell, he really shouldn't complain. They sit and talk, try to _catch up_.

"What was it like?"

"I don't remember a damn thing." But Dean lies, how do you tell your brother what hell was like, what you did down there. Sam lies, Dean just doesn't know it yet. They had been quiet for a few minutes, they ran out of things to ask that didn't stir up old wounds. Then he asks. Because, honestly, they both knew it was coming. Dean just wanted to pretend like he wasn't so desperate for her. "Where is she?"

_Ruby was screaming at Sam again. Throwing anything she could get her hands on at his very drunk head._

"_Who the fuck do you think you are?"_

"_I'm a Winchester, our best asset is how we hold our whiskey," his speech is slurred. He'd been like this for a week solid now, and before that he'd been worse. Ruby had tried being nice, tried helping him, tried getting him to hunt, it was time to try mean. Dean had been gone for a month and Sam still couldn't get out of bed._

"_Get off your ass Sam" She tried to push him into a sitting position but he shrugged her off like she was a pesky bug._

"_Don't wanna."_

"_So what? You're going to drink your life away?"_

_He looks up at her but doesn't see her, he sees the woman that Dean fell in love with, "That's the plan."_

"_He gave you this life and you're pissing it away." All she sees is the way he nurses a beer just like his older brother._

_Suddenly he's on his feet._ "_Oh and what are you doing? You think I don't see you but I do. I see you gripping his ring just trying to hold yourself together, I hear you cry yourself to sleep at night. I hear you scream from the nightmares, I see how you flinch every time someone says his name. It's pathetic."_

"_Fuck you! At least I'm remembering him."_

"_Well fuck you too! At least I'm not sobbing like a baby." She punched him. Hard. He swung back without hesitation. Sam had never hit her before. It hurt far more than it should. Ruby stumbled back and Sam clutched his jaw. They weren't good for each other, they could never heal while they were together, everything about the other reminded them of _him_, they broke each other all over again on a daily basis. She had to go. All she wanted was to keep her promise and take care of him but, she had to go, they were no good for each other like this. She went and sat on the couch, took the whiskey bottle from his hand, brought it to her lips and tilted it back. She didn't normally drink because it never helped, she couldn't feel anything anymore._

"_I need to go Sam. I can't stay here."_

_He plopped down beside her. "I know. I wish…" He didn't finish. He wished a lot of things. "I wish we had gotten to be a family."_

_Ruby nodded so did she. There was just enough left in her to hurt from leaving him. "I won't… I won't come back for a while. I can't." They'd tear each other apart with memories of him if she stayed. She stood up, kissed his forehead and left him alone with his demons._

_She had to go. She had work to do._

"She left."

Nothing could hide the disappointment in Dean's eyes. They had promised to take care of each other. How could they just abandon each other like that? Dean didn't understand, not then, not ever, that he was the glue, without him their worlds fell apart. Sam lied again, told him he had no idea what happened to Ruby. He assumed she got caught because she didn't come when he summoned her. This time though, Dean saw the lie in his eyes. But he didn't press it. He was too far gone.

* * *

Dean wakes up with nightmares every night now. When he wakes up screaming Sam pretends to sleep through it, for both of their sakes. When he wakes up in a cold sweat, trembling with fire and blood dancing before his eyes, he pretends he slept through the night. (Those are _so_ much worse than the screaming.) Sometimes he thinks the only time he feels anything anymore is when his mind is knee deep in hell. During the day he does his job, he protects people, kills the monsters. But any fool could tell his heart just isn't in it anymore. But only Dean, and maybe Ruby, could tell you that's because for every person he saved he ripped apart ten more. He'd never be clean of that, never make amends for it. But he's Dean Winchester so he keeps his mouth shut, his head down, and drinks his way through the motions.

_Ruby used to wake up with nightmares. They scared the hell of Dean. It was the only time he ever saw her afraid. She wouldn't have agreed to stay the night normally but he'd worn her out, yeah he's pretty smug about it, so she fell asleep beside him. She lay next to him, naked, wrapped in a white sheet with her hair sprawled out around her head. Dean couldn't help himself, he liked to watch her sleep. She was beautiful, and for a few hours, vulnerable. _

_Her eyebrows scrunched together and suddenly she didn't look so peaceful. A whimper escaped her lips. "Ruby?" Nope. She was still fast asleep. _

"_No. No, don't." She rolled over in her sleep and he felt her body tense in the bed next to him. "Please. Please don't!" Her voice was so loud he could swear she was awake. _

"_Ruby, sweetheart…"_

"_Eli! No. No." Her body was starting to sweat. "Eli- sorry, so, so, sorry."_

_She looked terrified, he couldn't watch this anymore. "Ruby. Ruby, wake up."_

"_Please don't make me."_

_Dean shook her shoulder. "Ruby. Wake up." Her eyelids fluttered and then opened._

"_Dean?" He knew better than to tell her he'd seen her like that, she'd freak out. "Oh God… did I fall asleep?"_

_Yeah, but you can stay. Is what he thought but, "Yeah, I'm starting to think you can't keep up, I'm wearing you out these days." Is what he said._

_She rolled her eyes. "Whatever cowboy." She was leaving , again pulling on her clothes and slipping out of bed._

_He wanted to stop her, "Ruby."_

_She turned on her way to the door. "Yeah?"_

"_Nevermind."_

Now Dean knows exactly what kind of fire danced behind Ruby's eyelids on those nights. He'd give anything for someone to take those memories away.

* * *

They learn about angels. Specifically about Castiel. Suddenly Dean has some great role to play for heaven. He should feel grateful, he should be relieved to be out. He doesn't feel a thing. They learn about the seals and how they're breaking. They learn about the apocalypse. He should feel like he's under the weight of the world. He should feel responsible. He can't bring himself to care.

Sam hides Ruby for a while. He sneaks out while Dean is sleeping or tells him he'll go get food or to the library, any lie will do. Sam and Dean fall back into their lives as hunters. Except it's not the same. Sam's lying about Ruby, and hunting and who he's become and Dean's lying about hell, lying about the stains on his soul, lying about missing _her_. They both hope it'll get better but they both know they'll cling to their secrets until it rips them apart.

_They had been between cases and completely out of leads on Dean's deal. Ruby was the one that insisted they go. Sam had griped about it the whole way there, "Baseball? Seriously Ruby? We don't have time for this." Dean kept his mouth shut, watching them bicker was too much fun._

"_Yes. Baseball. I don't understand why you have to say it like it's something stuck to the bottom of your shoe."_

"_We really have better things to be doing."_

"_Like what? Bela is MIA, we're out of hard cases and I for one would kill for a cold beer and a hotdog while cheering for America's favorite pastime."_

"_Oh please, America didn't even exist when you were human." Dean should have kept his mouth shut._

_Ruby fixed her deadly eyes on him. "You. I thought you were on my side here."_

"_I'm all for this plan. I, unlike Sam here am actually a red blooded American male."_

"_See Sam, your brother wants to go."_

"_We're wasting time."_

"_We're going." Ruby's voice was determined._

"_No. We're not."_

_They end up going anyway, because no one can really tell Ruby no when she sets her mind to something. She even makes Bobby meet them. He's their family too. She got great seats. They sit and drink beer and eat hot dogs and nachos. When a foul ball comes their way Dean catches it and the smile on his face makes Ruby feel like she's witnessing a miracle. He gives it to Sam before they leave and Ruby's smile grows. For a few minutes they even manage to forget Dean's a dying man. A photographer comes by and takes their picture. The photograph is still tucked above the visor in the Impala. Ruby's on the end leaning into the arm Dean has wrapped around her still wearing their matching smiles, Dean's other arm is behind Sam's back, like brothers, Bobby's right hand rests on Sam's far too tall shoulder. All with beers in their hands, all together and safe. Dean kept it, then Sam kept it, because for that brief moment in time they actually looked like a normal family._

* * *

Dean finally finds them, one night he wakes up as Sam is leaving, it's not the first time. But tonight is the first night he decides to follow him. Sam goes into a warehouse and Dean follows, not caring if he makes noise. He sees Sam pressing some girl against the wall. "So this is why you're sneaking out at night? Dude if you want the room all you have to do is say so. This place is probably crawling with the clap." They jumped apart before he finished his first sentence.

"Dean. I-"

"Wanna tell me what's going on here?"

"Hi Dean, it's been a while." The brunette takes the tiniest step forward.

"Do I know you?"

Sam and the brunette exchange a look. "Dean, it's Ruby."

"Excuse me?" Silence. "You told me she left, that she got dragged back to hell." Sam can't find the words so she takes it for him.

"I did. But I got out and I came to take care of him." Dean isn't sure if he should believe it but his rational brain isn't working the only thing that's working is his fist. It connects with Sam's jaw. Sam doesn't look surprised. Dean does.

_Sam was still very, very drunk and laying upside down in a motel bed. He had just gotten back from yet another crossroads demon that turned him down. The door opened, he really should have been concerned about that but he could care less if something wanted him dead. He'd welcome the distraction. "You look like shit."_

"_Why do I care what you think?" Except his speech was so messed up it came out as a jumble._

"_You're going to get alcohol poisoning."_

"_Okay mom." The stranger was now filling a cup with water and bringing it to him._

"_Sorry Sam but I promised your brother I wouldn't let you die choking on your own vomit." He sat up then._

"_Ruby?" He hadn't seen Ruby in almost a month. But… she didn't look like Ruby._

"_In the borrowed flesh."_

"_You look… brunette."_

_"No shit Sherlock."_

"_I thought you weren't coming back… you left… and said…"_

"_I got caught, they took me to hell, but I fought my way out... for you, my old body's gone." Sam nodded, yeah okay. "But I'm here now, I'll take care of you now Sam." Sam let her. Let her nurse him back from the edge of alcoholism he let her give him a reason to get out of bed in the morning. She came with some of her memories, all of her determination, and none of her smile, and Sam accepted her. He needed her._

Dean wasn't sure when he decided to punch. Except that he was sure Ruby was the woman who got him through hell. Now she was under his little brother. Underneath the broken man hell had made of him this betrayal cut him deep and he wants them to feel it too.

He wears the grin more than he feels it. "Damn, you move fast." He looks at her and then turns to Sam, "Hope she's as good as she used to be." He hopes to see hurt flash across her face but all he sees is indifference. _His _Ruby wasn't indifferent about anything, ever.

* * *

Dean notices that she doesn't remember things about their time together. She says hell made her forget him and he believes it. Maybe it's because he always believed he wasn't worth a shit and she's just reinforcing it. But she remembers things with Sam. So Dean spends all his time in bars drinking or hunting. He hasn't bedded a woman since he's been back. He can't seem to remember how to _want _someone.

"I want my ring back." He brings it up one day when he's too tired to fight the urge to look at her.

"What?" She's completely confused.

"My ring," Silence. "My damn silver ring that I've had since I was sixteen. I want it back." She recovers quite nicely.

"I don't have it."

"Excuse me?"

"In hell, they took it." She walks away without a care in the world.

* * *

Sam tried to explain to Dean. Ultimately he's trying to apologize for stealing _the_ girl. But Dean fixes him with those green eyes. They reflect every ounce of disappointment he's ever felt in Sam. "Don't worry about it Sam."

"Dean it just-"

"Sam really, spare me the 'we were lonely' and the 'you left us' and the 'she was just there.'"

"Dean I'm s-"

"Sam. Enough. I don't need to hear the story of how you fell inside my girlfriend." That was the end of the conversation. Sam didn't really have a response to that, other than it was essentially true.

* * *

He knows where Sam is sneaking off to now. He doesn't care what they're doing. He'd rather not think about it actually. Later he'd realize he was too drunk or too broken or probably both to notice at first. But one night, she slips up. It's such a simple thing it seems silly now, but then it was the most important thing in the world. She orders extra pickles on her burger and Dean freezes on the spot.

_Their first date wouldn't be considered a date by a normal couple's standards. But then again they weren't a normal couple. Ruby was laying on the bed curled up and two seconds away from throwing the remote at the TV. They were alone and that pretty much always meant sex. Dean came beside her and started kissing her neck the way that normally made her purr. She shoved him off a little harder than necessary. "Get off me."_

"_Since when do you turn me down when I'm in a particularly _giving_ mood?"_

"_Since you kiss like a suction cup."_

"_Whoa, what crawled up your ass?"_

"_Your ego Dean. It could choke the whole coast."_

"_What the hell is wrong with you? You're not supposed to look a gift orgasm in the mouth, unless of course the mouth that's giv-"_

"_Please stop talking. Your voice is like nails on a fucking chalkboard."_

"_What is your issue?"_

"_My _issue_? You're an arrogant pig that's my _issue_."_

"_Ruby?" His voice is calm for the first time._

"_What's wrong with me? I chose my human body! Okay! That's what's wrong with me. Like an idiot and now all I want is chocolate and food soaked in grease and my stomach to not look pregnant and the cramps to _stop_."_

_Dean busts out laughing and her eyes flash black. "You're on your period? The almighty hell bitch Ruby is on pms-ing and cranky?" Her eyes stay black now. She dares him to make fun of her. He kisses her instead._

"_Come on." He stands and offers her his hand._

"_I don't want to go anywhere."_

"_Ruby, you want greasy food, let's go get you some, and then I'll buy you some Midal, and your favorite chocolate chip cookie dough that you can eat out of the container and we'll have shower sex until you can't remember why you're cranky. Kay?" She grinned and jumped up. Dean took her to the greasiest diner he could find and bought her dinner. (Dinner for Ruby meant mostly french fries smothered in ketchup.) When he ordered the bacon burger with extra pickles her nose wrinkled in that adorable way._

"_Ew grossss pickles are disgusting."_

"_Pickles are delicious."_

"_Eat them at your own risk you are not getting anywhere near me til the pickle smell is off of you." He moved in to kiss her. She smacked him playfully._

"_I'm serious Dean. The smell alone could make me heave."_

Somehow that was enough to cut through the booze and the nightmares and make Dean pay attention. Ruby would never be caught dead with pickles on her burger. Let alone extra ones. Something makes him hold his tongue though, because if this isn't _his _Ruby, then where was she? No where safe. No where good. The thought of Ruby under Sam was better than the thought of Ruby in the ground. So he tests her, he has to be _sure._ "Hey hell bitch!"

_They were in bed after three particularly inspired rounds on Ruby's part, talking about something neither would ever remember, "Baby, come on." Dean pulled her back into the bed._

"_Baby?" She shoots him a look._

"_What's wrong with baby?" _

_Ruby grabs his button up and slides it over her shoulders. "You call the Impala baby." She thinks she's made her point._

"_Exactly. High praise." She rolls her eyes._

"_I don't think we're really a baby kinda couple Dean."_

"_Then what kind of couple are we?" Dean had successfully gotten her back into bed. She bit her lip, she was honestly considering it._

"_I like it when you call me hell bitch, it sounds like an official title." She grins and wriggles her eyebrows, "Ya know like 'Lucifer bless Ruby, the magnificent hell bitch."_

_He rolls his eyes, "Well I can't exactly call you hell bitch in public. What if there are children around?"_

_She laughs. Hmm she thinks "I don't mind when you call me sweetheart"_

_He accepts it, slightly grudgingly "Alright sweetheart, let's stay in bed today." She sighs and snuggles closer to his chest. Ruby can feel his heartbeat. Those beats are numbered so she closes her eyes and tries to memorize the sound. He kisses her forehead._

"_Maybe we can work up to baby." She whispers. And they do, but hell bitch will always be her favorite._

When he calls it across the room he watches her face. _His_ Ruby would have grinned but the face looking back at him just looks annoyed.

* * *

The three of them were driving to a case. _Ruby _or not Ruby, depending on whose side you were currently on was in the backseat. Dean makes a point of turning on AC/DC, _his _Ruby understood good music. He picks the song on purpose. _"She was a fast machine, she kept the motor clean, she was the best damn woman that I've ever seen."_ Dean sang along at the top of his lungs. Sam just gave him that 'dude you're being weird' look. He snuck a look into the rearview. Ruby rolled her eyes. "Come on sweetheart, sing with me, _and you shook me alllll nightttt longggg_."

"Uh, no thanks, I don't know this one."

_They were going at it in the backseat of the Impala. It had been almost three days since Sam left them alone together and Dean was about to mount her right in the room Sam be damned, but Ruby had a better idea. So, they drove to the middle of some sketchy field and parked. They had crawled into the backseat so fast that Dean forgot to take the keys out and turn the radio off. Ruby was straddling him, she really enjoyed being in control. Half of their clothes had already been forgotten on the floorboard. "God Ruby, from now on we're getting you your own room."_

_She grinned as she slid off his belt. "Why Dean? You don't think Sam likes to watch?" Their mouths only left each other for a second between words._

"_I'm starting to not care." Dean made quick work of her shorts. A stray lyric came floating over the radio._

"_Ah! I love this song." Ruby was practically giggling as she pulled herself over the front seat to turn the radio up. "Taking more than her share, had me fighting for air, she told me come-"_

_Dean grabbed her and pulled her back on top of him "But I was already there." Dean finished the verse for her and crushed his lips on hers._

_Ruby started undoing his jeans and leaned over to whisper in his ear, "The walls start quaking, the earth was shaking." He wasn't paying attention he was way too focused on other things. Ruby pushed herself closer to him, "Come on sweetheart, sing with me." Dean laughed and pinned her underneath him. But of course he sang along, he really couldn't deny her anything._

"_And you shook me all night long."_

* * *

He waits until Sam leaves and he has a rare moment alone with the imposter, he's pretty sure by now. The differences are small, the kind that can be explained away with the flourish of a wrist. But those differences, the small ones are what make Ruby different. But he needs one last test. Something that hell couldn't have burned away the second time if it couldn't the first time. "You know that storm today reminded me of that day we fucked in the rain, I'll never forget how mad you were, I think you even scared Sam." He watches her. Her face stays blank. His only clue is the way her eyebrows scrunch. Dean keeps going, "I never knew Eli would set you off like that." Dean keeps his voice casual.

She turns her back to him. "Yeah, he was a real bitch."

Dean knows.

_She's getting out of bed, sliding into her jeans, it seems like she's always leaving him, "Ruby? Who's Eli?"_

_She freezes. "Excuse me?"_

"_Eli. Who is he?" No response. "You… you mumble his name in your sleep, you talk to him, apologize, mostly."_

_Her voice is tight when she finally talks. "He's no one Dean."_

"_Ruby… Come on." He isn't letting this one go._

"_Dean. Don't ask again." She moves toward the door._

"_Ruby! Get your ass back in bed. Talk to me."_

"_Why Dean? It's not like you talk to me? It's not like you ever tell me anything, I had to find out that Lilith held your deal from Sam."_

"_Ruby, that's different.." He doesn't talk to anyone about that. Ever._

"_No it's not. Let this go Dean." She's dressed now and leaving the room. He gets dressed sloppily and as quickly as possible. When he finally made it outside she wasn't anywhere to be seen but he knew she wouldn't be far. He jumped in the Impala right as the thunder overhead rumbled through his chest he picked a direction out of the parking lot hoping it was the right one. She likes to walk when she's angry. He found her within a mile just before the rain started to sprinkle 'Great' he thought, 'this will be fun.' He saw her up ahead on the side of the road arms crossed walking as fast as she could to get away from him. The Impala slid in right in front of her, effectively cutting her off. He was out of the car and next to her before she could scramble away again. "Go away Dean."_

"_No."_

"_Get out of my way."_

"_No."_

"_Why won't you leave?"_

"_Ruby you're out here on the side of a dark road in the rain. What's wrong?"_

"_What's wrong?" She laughed a humorless laugh, "What's wrong with me is that you're an arrogant, cocky, self-righteous, moronic, little boy." She emphasized every word by shoving him backward. "What's wrong is you seem to think it's okay to pry into my darkest secrets. We both know there isn't an us Dean, I'm just the girl you fuck when you get an itch, so forgive me for not wanting to open up."_

"_Why are you freaking out right now?" She set her jaw. "Forget I ever asked about Eli okay, keep your secrets. We just won't talk anymore how about that? We'll just fuck in silence and I'll kick your skanky ass out of bed when we're done."_

"_I'm not the one who has the problem talking it's you that has the emotional maturity of a Pomeranian."_

"_Well at least I actually have human emotions."_

"_Why does it always come back to that? Find a new insult Dean." It started pouring then, they were both drenched in seconds. The road they were on was completely empty._

"_Like you haven't used arrogant and moronic before."_

"_You're a dick. I hate you."_

"_Oh please, you love me." He said it in a joking tone he honestly meant it as a joke. Her eyes went black._

"_Don't you dare."_

_Dean stopped. "Holy shit. You love me?"_

"_No. You pathetic excuse for a man! How could I love you? You're leaving! You're going to hell and leaving me here all alone! You're a coward! You won't even admit to me you want out of this deal! And I hate you for it!" Dean was kissing her before the last word was out of her mouth. She pressed up against him kissing him back harder than she ever had, they'd be bruised in the morning. Dean lifted her up and pushed her against the Impala. They couldn't get close enough. No matter how hard they pushed each other there was too much space between them. Their bodies were slick from the rain. Their clothes were disappearing. They didn't know how they got onto the hood of the impala only that they were half naked and on top of each other. Neither could imagine stopping even though they were in the middle of the road. Their cries and moans were lost in the thunder._

_After, when they were back in the room changed and warming up Ruby turned her back to him._

"_He was my brother."_

"_What?"_

"_Eli. He was my big brother. He's the one I sold my soul for."_

_The silence took over for a minute. "Ruby?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_I don't want to go to hell."_

Dean's hand was around the imposter's neck before she knew what happened. He was pouring holy water down her throat. She was screaming and cursing and fighting to get loose.

"Who are you? What did you do with Ruby?"

Sam must have heard her screaming because he knocks the door down, "Dean what are you doing?"

"This isn't Ruby!" Sam approaches Dean with his hands up, like he's talking to a man with a loaded gun.

"Dean. Calm down. Okay you're not yourself."

"She's. Not. Ruby." He squeezes her throat tighter. Sam tries to pull Dean off of her, Dean doesn't have to time to explain so he punches him, hard enough to knock his brother out. The imposter tries to run but Dean has her on the floor and tied up in minutes. What was he supposed to do with one fake demon and one delusional brother?

He calls Bobby. "Bobby? I need your help."

"Dean? What's wrong?"

"Ruby… the one Sam's been… it's not her. She's a fake."

"Dean… I know this is…"

"Bobby! I need you to believe me. Okay? It's not her. I know."

"How are you so sure?"

"I just… know." Bobby takes Dean's word for it. Sam hasn't exactly been Mr. Put together since Dean's death anyway.

* * *

Bobby and Dean take Sam and the imposter back to Bobby's house. They put her in the basement in a devils trap and put Sam on the couch. When Sam wakes up and wants to know 'what the fuck happened,' Dean tries to explain, granted, he probably threw around one too many insults, and four too many expletives so it's not a surprise when Sam doesn't believe him. Sam pushes his way past Bobby trying to get down to her. Dean stops him. "Look I'll prove it, but you have to promise not to do anything stupid."

Same looks wary, and Dean realizes Sam's looking at him with pity in his eyes. "Dean it's not possible she knew things. It's Ruby."

"Sam. I know things you don't. About her. That _thing_ is not Ruby."

_For once a moment between Dean and Ruby passed while they weren't in bed. They were sitting in the Impala on a stake out._

"_Wanna make out?" Dean grinned over at her._

"_Do you want to spend the night in jail?" Ruby shook her head. "This might be the busiest street in Montana, and see those cops over there…" Dean looked, "They're eyeing us like we're wearing baggy sweatshirts in a department store."_

_Dean looked crushed. But went back to watching the house. The case involved a poltergeist, pretty straight forward. Sam was off doing research. Dean and Ruby watched the house as the three kids ran around like demons, hell bent on driving their mother up the wall. One of them was trying to eat the chapstick out of her purse. "God, kids are such freaks at that age." Ruby scoffed from the passenger seat._

_Dean rolled his eyes, "At that age? Boys are pretty much freaks until they figure out girls."_

_Ruby looked at him in disbelief, "Dean Winchester are you saying that at one point in time you weren't a complete and total badass demon hunter?"_

_Dean furrowed his brow, "Ruby don't you know I was never actually a child, I came out a half grown man, a child's body couldn't handle my level of badass."_

_Ruby's eyes practically came out of socket she rolled them so hard, "I swear your ego alone kills half the monsters you hunt."_

_Deans laughs along with her. "No but seriously, kids that age… they should be shipped off until they gain sanity."_

"_Speaking from experience?"_

_Dean nodded, "Sam was a little freak." He laughed._

_"Fond memories?" Ruby was probing, she knows this, she doesn't care._

_He gives into her, because he wants to. Because, he's finally starting to realize that he's dying and he won't get to do all the things he should with her. "When Sam was about nine and our dad was off working some case Sam decided he was going to become an expert on insects, so he goes out and starts collecting all the damn bugs he can find and putting them in these shitty plastic containers. He left them everywhere in the motel" Ruby's hanging on his every word, he never talks about their childhood, "But it was summer and hot as hell and the air conditioner broke while we were out, all the containers melted, we came home to insects crawling over _everything_" Dean's laughing as he talks, "It took us two days to get them out of the sheets, when dad got home, god he was pissed, he kicked my ass." Ruby shook her head, she wished he had gotten to be a kid, sometimes she hated John Winchester._

"_You know how much he loves you right? Losing you will destroy him." Her voice was easy, like she was talking about the price of bread._

"_No, it won't. He's stronger than me."_

_Ruby shakes her head, "No. He's really not."_

"_Maybe, but he had a life without us at Stanford, he's lived like that… He really is the best of all of us, he deserves to get a chance at a life, a real life. The kind I can never have. Without me he'll have a real shot. It's my job to protect him, that's what I'm doing."_

_Ruby holds her tongue, he doesn't even realize how fucked up that logic is. The time is ticking so quickly, he only has _weeks _left now. Dean brings Ruby out of her thoughts when he reaches over to tuck her hair behind her ear. He sees from the look in her eye that she doesn't understand. "I thought you of all people would get it, didn't you do the same thing?"_

_Ruby's surprised, they had let this subject go at 'Eli was my big brother' a week and a half ago. But he had shared, and he never shares, it was her turn. They don't have time to gently reveal their secrets. "No, mine was different." He looks at her expectantly. "I grew up in this little village. Our family owned the biggest stable around. I used to spend hours out there riding and feeding the horses. They were my best friends." She smiles to herself. "My mom had died in childbirth and my dad, he wasn't much of a father and then he was dead. But Eli, he didn't hesitate, when dad died, even though he was married and had his own life he moved home to take care of me. Every scraped knee, every nightmare, he was there. He was all I ever needed." She was smiling in earnest now, but then her eyes clouded over and Dean remembered this story didn't have a happy ending. "When I got older all the boys in town, they made offers, wanted to marry me, and looking back now Eli should have made me accept one of them, after all I wasn't his burden to bear. But he didn't. Every time they'd offer I'd go to him far too confident and witty, he'd just tell them to wait. I was in no hurry. But those men, they weren't the patient kind. They thought I was an arrogant girl who needed to be taught a lesson." Ruby's whole body tensed and Dean felt sick, he didn't like where this was going. _

_"They thought I was just putting them off from what they wanted, so they decided to _take _it." Dean's fists clenched. No. He didn't want to hear the rest. "I was coming home from the market, there were four of them… they cornered me in an alley. I tried to scream, but" She shakes her head, her voice is calm, easy, she tells the story like it happened to someone else, "They took their time. Eli was the one that found me, bloody and broken on the ground. He was furious, his wife tried to tell him it was what I deserved for turning away so many good men. He didn't speak to her for a month. I was... really messed up afterward. They all thought I'd get better eventually but I didn't. I wouldn't let anyone touch me, I couldn't talk… Eli tried so hard to make me smile. One day Eli couldn't take seeing me like that anymore, knowing what they'd done, he snapped he went into town and killed every one of them." _

_Ruby's smile didn't reach her eyes, "But the sheriff, didn't seem to agree that they deserved to die, he arrested him, he was going to be hung…" Dean wanted to reach over and comfort her, to take away the hollow look in her eyes but the hard set of her jaw kept his hands in place, "That's when the demon came to me, offered me spells to save him… to get rid of the thing growing inside of me, the thing they put there. It was easy, ten years were a lifetime and Eli… he was going to die for me, protecting me, I couldn't let that happen. And I couldn't live without my big brother." She says the words slowly so that maybe he'll understand. "He would have died _for _me, died because he loved me, it would have been _my _fault, I couldn't let that happen." She takes a deep breath willing him to see the difference. "He got out and I recovered, he was all I had. But of course I didn't get all ten years the plague came and took everyone, even me."_

_They were quiet for a long time then. Eventually Dean pulled her close and kissed her forehead. "I think Eli and I would have gotten along."_

_Ruby choked out a laugh, "He would have _loved _you."_

Dean finally gets Sam down to the basement, after a lot of coercion. "Sam!" Dean really hates it when _it _talks.

"Ruby!"

"Don't call her that."

"Sam! Dean's lost it. I think there's something messing with his mind! He thinks I'm someone else! You have to get me out of here!"

Dean backhands her. "Shut up bitch." She puts on a scared face but Dean sees through it, he knows she isn't really afraid... _yet_.

"Ask her something. Something only you and Ruby knew, no one else, preferably something about me, she seems to be lacking in that top secret information."

Sam looks skeptical. But tries to think of something anyway. "Dean this is ridiculous. She already said she doesn't remember you, I know that you're jealous and that you lost her."

"Dammit Sam! This isn't about that! Just ask her something."

"Fine." Sam rolls his eyes, he clearly isn't taking this seriously. "When you and Dean had sex for the first time, how did I find out?" Sam thought it would be easy but_ Ruby_ looked confused.

She froze. "Uhh, you, you walked in on us."

Sam's face went white he looked back and forth between Dean and _her_. "No. No, I didn't. You told me, remember? You were really drunk, in that bar outside Leesville."

Sam's jaw goes rigid. "Oh, right of course. The-the alcohol just made it really fuzzy."

He tried again. "When we were hunting that ghost in Wichita, what was the name of the girl I slept with?" The imposter was shaking her head.

"Sam come on, how am I supposed to remember that?" _Ruby _would have remembered that.

"Come on, Ruby, you made fun of her for two weeks afterward." Sam crossed his arms.

"Sam I, I can't remember everything but… I'm me. I swear."

Dean chimed in with a smirk, "Sandy. _Ruby _made _Grease_ jokes the whole time."

Sam looked back and forth between Dean and the girl in the chair, the girl he was no long sure was Ruby. Dean cocked his head to the side in question. What more could he need.

"How did you find out who held Dean's deal?" One more.

She grinned. Apparently she knew that one. "That's easy, I told you guys."

Sam's whole body went rigid. "You're not Ruby."

_She and Sam were outside by the car while Dean went inside to get their to-go orders. She passed him a beer and slid onto the hood._

"_I gotta say, I'm not sad that bitch is dead." Ruby smirked. She never liked Bela, she had propositioned Dean for angry sex. Ruby was the only one allowed to do that._

_Sam seemed distracted. "Yeah."_

"_Sam? You still in there?" She tossed a look back at him._

"_Ruby. There's something I've gotta tell you." He looked really freaked out, it made Ruby nervous._

"_Okay, shoot." She sounded calmer than she was._

"_You can't freak out, okay? Dean made me promise not to tell you. You can't go do something stupid."_

_She forced a laugh. "Dean's keeping secrets now? What did Dean bone Bela or something?" The thought alone bothered her. A lot._

"_We found out who holds Dean's deal." Sam spoke carefully, like if he made a wrong move she would snap, he wasn't wrong._

"_What? Who?" She couldn't think straight anymore. "When did you find out? Who is it?"_

"_Nothing stupid Ruby." He wouldn't forgive himself if she got herself killed going after Lilith._

"_Sam. Tell me. Or so help me Lucifer I will-"_

"_It's Lilith." The color drained from her face. Her eyes went numb. Sam was pretty sure she stopped breathing._

"_No." The word slipped out, her own unconscious denial. Sam moved to put his hand on her back, he'd never seen Ruby look hopeless before._

"_It's okay. We'll figure out a way to get him out of it." Ruby noticed the question in his comfort. He was scared too. _

_She couldn't bring herself out of the fear that was licking at her insides so she just said, "Yeah. We will." She meant, 'No, we won't. He's going to rot in hell and there's nothing we can do to stop it.' Dean came out of the restaurant carrying their bags and grinning like an idiot._

"_They gave us free pie!" _

_Ruby came out of her stupor with a fury. She was marching to him before Sam could grab her. "You son of a bitch." She punched him. Hard. "You weren't gonna tell me? You told _Sam _not to tell me?" He dropped his pie. Serves him right._

"_You told her?" Dean looked to Sam who just shrugged. "Dude. Bro code."_

"_What can I say? She's persuasive." Sam wasn't sorry. _

"_Listen I just didn't want you-"_

"_Shut up." She was in his face now._

"_Ruby, calm down." He knew it was a mistake before it left his mouth._

"_Calm down? _Calm _down?" She was about to get violent, her eyes was black as night._

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just… don't want you to hit me again. Kay?" His hands were up in surrender, he looked too cute for Ruby to stay mad at him._

"_You keep something like this from me again I'll tell Bobby we did it in his bed. See if you keep breathing then."_

_Dean looked horrified. "I won't ever keep secrets again." He said a little too quickly._

_Sam spit out his drink, "You had sex in Bobby's bed?"_

_Ruby shrugged and got into the Impala. Dean just grinned._

Sam looked horrified. He turned to Dean. "I'm sorry… she.. She knew things she knew things only Ruby should know. How could she do that?" Dean wondered how many times Sam would have to say it to convince himself. "She knew things." Apparently a few more.

The imposter laughed. "Well, it took you boys long enough."

"I swear to God bitch, if you hurt her." Dean's whole body begged for something to kill.

She laughs again. "Of course we hurt her."

Dean's got one hand on either side of her, his face is right up next to hers. "I will rip you apart until you're begging us to send you back to hell."

She gives him her best smile, it's a sad imitation of Ruby's. "Oh please Dean you're not the kind…"

His eyes flashed, "No, I wasn't before but hey, hell changes people." She must have seen something in his eyes because she had the decency to look afraid.

"Sam! No! Listen I'm not Ruby, but I was trying to help you I just needed a way in with you I just needed you to listen to me." Sam looks like he might believe her. "Sam! Don't let him do this!"

"Sam, go upstairs."

"But Dean-"

"Go upstairs. Now. I'll do this myself."

* * *

It takes days, Dean doesn't sleep or eat, just drinks whiskey and carves her up until she finally breaks and laughing hysterically. "You'll never get her. You were closer to her before you came back. She's in the pit, we go squeeze a little harder every time I need more information on you two. You'll never see her again."

Dean marched up the stairs without a word to her, her laughter still echoing in his ears. He went straight for the door. "Watch Sam, if he so much as looks toward the basement knock him out." Bobby agrees.

Dean went out to the junk yard and screamed for Ruby, of course she didn't answer. Then he screamed for Castiel. Castiel showed up. "Did you know? Did you know it wasn't her?"

"How would I have known?"

"Is she in hell?"

"Yes I believe the abomination is in hell." Castiel's face never changes.

"Don't call her that."

"I apologize if I offended you."

"Go get her."

"From hell? Dean, I can't."

"You got me!"

"You were a human soul still. She is not. She is theirs to rip apart. I cannot retrieve her like I did you."

Before that moment Dean had looked like the broken man he was, but something clicked together inside of him. He was holding the angel by the collar. "You will get her! Or you can forget having my help in the fight for the seals, hell I'll go all dark side and break them myself. You get her out!"

"I am sorry Dean, but even if I could, Heaven would never allow it." The angel disappeared from his grasp leaving Dean alone. Slowly his legs gave out and he sank to his knees.

_It was his second to last night on earth and they'd been camped out at Bobby's torturing demons and scouring books for two weeks now. Nothing. No answers to be found. His time was too short now, too precious to waste. So Ruby slipped up behind and whispered in his ear, "Let's get out of here." So they snuck out the back like a pair of horny teenagers. Dean slid into driver's seat and Ruby slid right up next to him. And they drove, Dean wanted to be out in the world, while he still could. He sped down back roads as fast as his baby would take him until they pulled over into a little field out in the middle of nowhere to stare up at the stars._

_Dean sat on the hood and Ruby crawled right up next to him with her head on his shoulder. She breathed in his smell, tried to memorize the way his leather jacket felt on her skin. This might be the last time she'd ever get to do this. Suddenly everything was so clear and sharp, like the a razorblade. Suddenly it was so important that he know everything._

_So in the dead of night kept warm only by his arms around her she whispered, "Would you hold it against me, if I asked you to stay?" Her voice was quiet but strong._

_His however was laced with want and need. "No." He planted his lips against her forehead. "But you'll hold it against me for leaving anyway." _

_She couldn't bring herself to look at him. It was true, she would. He was going to leave her and break her and she would do the only thing she could, hate him for it. "Then don't go." She gripped his jacket tighter and brought her body closer to his, she could already feel him slipping between her fingertips. _

"_I would sweetheart." That's all he can manage before the anger at how unfair it is chokes him. They were just getting started, just reaching the place where a future was up for discussion._

"_You would? You'd give me that… if you could?" She finally found the courage to turn around and look at him. No. She was wrong, she'd try her damnedest but she could never hate this man. _

_His eyes burned straight through her. "I'd give you the rest of my life, but it wouldn't be enough." _

_He has to know, before he dies he needs to know, "Dean I l-"_

"_Shhhh…." He tucks her hair behind her ear and wipes the stray tear that snuck out without her knowing. "Don't say it. Not like this." What he leaves unsaid is that if she says it he'll break right there because all he's ever wanted is sitting right in front of him and he has to give her up. _

_She just nods. He knows anyway. Ruby lays herself back down in his arms and toys with the ring on his finger, wishing she could hold onto this moment forever. "Ruby?"_

"_Mmm?"_

"_Do you want it?" His voice is rough. She has to sit up to look at him again._

"_Want…what?"_

_His smile is small and boyish, like he's asking her to go to the prom. "The ring. Do you want it?" _

_The words from before choke in her throat again. She can only nod. That's enough because he slips it off his finger and onto the black chain around her neck. It looks like it belongs there, close to her heart. She decides right then and there that she won't leave him in the pit. She'll get him out, one way or another._

* * *

Dean found a way to crawl back to Bobby's. Cas was his last hope. He'll really never see her again. She'll spend the rest of eternity being torn apart by someone like him. _She was coming to get you_. His brain kept whispering his worst nightmare, that she's down there _because of him._ He pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He spent the next three days drunk out of his mind. He vaguely remembers Sam trying to say something "Dean I'm-"

"Don't. Don't say something stupid. I don't want to hear it."

"I don't' think she's evil. She saved my life, saved me."

"Sam I swear to God if you let her out of that devil's trap I will make you watch while I gut her, just to make my point." Sam didn't try to talk to him again.

Bobby came to sit by him "What are we going to do with her Dean? She knows about you two we can't send her back to hell…."

_The screams had rubbed Dean's throat raw again even the screaming hurt now. He wouldn't make it, he had to die soon, right? Right? He could feel the meat hanging off of his bones and smell his own flesh burning. They were getting more creative. _

"_Oh, Dean… such a good little soldier." Dean? Why did that sound so familiar?_

"_You feelin' it yet?" Yes, or maybe not, maybe there was so much pain he couldn't feel at all._

"_Ya know, it kinda tickles." Why was it important to deny the pain? He couldn't remember._

_The two of them laughed. They weren't men or women, they didn't have normal forms they were monsters dancing around him. _

_It was starting again. Pain was all he knew again. Ripping and tearing and burning, that's all that was left._

"_Enough ladies, I'll take it from here." Alistair. Dean could still remember who that was. "So Dean, you want off your rack?" Yes. Desperately. He was too tired to nod. "I can take you down."_

_Dean knew that. He also knew there was a condition, a price to be paid._

"_All you have to do is pick up a scalpel, all you have to do is stand up."_

_He was supposed to say no. He knew that. But he couldn't remember why._

"_If you don't… you and I can play for a little longer." Alistair picked up the scalpel on the table. He raised it to Dean's mouth. _

_He couldn't do this anymore. He- "No. No more." There's something he's supposed to being holding on to. There are people that he's supposed to be fighting for. He knows they're out there. Someone, maybe more than one. A flash of blonde hair, the thought of a dorky smile, but their faces just won't come when he asks for them and the reasons suddenly don't exist._

_A grin creeped across Alistair's face. "Stand up Dean. That's all you gotta do."_

_I'm not supposed to, I'm not sup- Dean stood up and suddenly he was whole again. Fingers closed around a bright metallic scalpel and started to carve._

For a moment Bobby thought he was sober, more sober than he'd been since he got back from hell his eyes were clear, his voice strong, "We leave her tied in the basement to rot so that I can rip her apart every time I need my jollies." Bobby knew hell had changed him, and he was terrified of what that meant.

* * *

_You swear you recall nothing at all_

_That could make you come back down_

_You made up your mind to leave it all behind_

_Now you're forced to fight it out_

_You fall away from your past_

_But it's following you_

_**-The Fray **__Fall Away_

* * *

**Music:**

_**The Black Keys **__These days_

**AC/DC** _You Shook Me All Night Long_

_**The Fray **__Fall Away_

**So that's Part I: **_**All I See**_** hope you liked it. And I must commend you for making it through this giant chapter. Part II: **_**Beast of a Burden**_** will be up sometime next week! If you liked it, or hated it, or loved it you should use the conveniently placed box right below this **


	2. Part II

**A/N: Part II: Beast of a Burden is here! I hope you enjoy it, it's longer and a little (a lot) darker than the first part, still lots of flashbacks. It's longer than Part I too. If you haven't ready Part I: All I See then you should if you need a refresher course hit the 'previous' button next to 'chapter' (that was sarcasm I've recently been told my sarcasm font gets confused with my regular so I'm trying to be more clear)**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters, except Eli. He's mine. And the story is (mostly) mine as well (you might recognize a few episode storylines or quotes those are borrowed).

**Timeline**: Season 3 & 4  
**Spoilers**: Seasons 1-4  
Heavy Dean & Ruby  
_Flashbacks in italics_  
**Rating**: Somewhere between T and M, leaning toward M. Rated for torture and language, kinda dark in spots but nothing explicit…

* * *

**The Weight**

**Part II: Beat of a Burden**

_And oh, poor Atlas,_

_The world's a beast of a burden,_

_You've been holding on a long time_

_And all this longing_

_And the ships were left to rust_

_That's what the water gave us_

_So lay me down_

_**-Florence + the Machine **__What the Water Gave Me_

* * *

On the third day Dean was still drunk. He couldn't think of a reason to be sober. Bobby was researching the seals, trying to find a way to stop them from breaking. Sam looked lost. No one noticed.

The door burst open, there she stood after all this time, all flowing blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, she looks completely undamaged but Dean knows better. "Ruby" Dean's voice is a whisper.

Hers is clear and strong and promises violence. "Where's the bitch that's been wearing my name?" She looks straight through them all not seeing or caring that they're there. Dean tells her _it's_ downstairs. They have a million questions but they just follow her toward the stairs.

Sam grabs her arm "Stop, this is-"

She turns on him, her body is wound like a rattlesnake, but it's her voice that shuts Sam up, that scares them all. It's not loud, she's not screaming, it's worse, her voice is quiet and cold as ice. "You don't get to speak" Sam stops talking but he's still holding her arm deciding whether or not to try and stop her "You thought it was me" and he lets her go. He looks ashamed, no one notices.

She doesn't look at Dean or Bobby as she walks past them to the stairs. Dean finally sees her signature grin pull at her lips when she sees the imposter bound and bloody. The imposter looks shocked, more than shocked actually. She looks like she just shit her pants. "Ruby. How…" Her voice trembles.

"What? You never thought the bitch you tortured to within an inch of her sanity year after year would ever have a shot at you?" Dean had seen plenty of fear in his life but the look on the imposters face then was more than fear, it was pure terror.

"Sam! Sam! Help me! Please!" She's screaming at the top of her lungs and pulling at the ropes that tie her down.

"Aw, now sweetie, save the screaming you'll need it later." Ruby finally turned to Dean. Their eyes finally lock and words are useless. "Where's my knife?" They both smile when he pulls it from the back of his jeans and hands it to her without a word. His eyes fall to her chest where a silver chain sits adorned by a black charm and a silver ring, they don't need words. Ruby turns to the imposter, circling her like a predator trying to decide where to strike first.

Bobby leans in and whispers to Sam, "Shouldn't we make sure it's her?"

A grin split Dean's face, "Oh it's her." There's not a doubt in his mind. "Bobby, go upstairs. Watch Sam. I don't want this interrupted." Ruby starts carving. Dean grabs a beer and chair, and kicks back to watch her work. It should disgust him, it should make him cringe, the way Ruby knows how to rip and tear and shred this girl until she's begging for Ruby to kill her. The screams should make his blood go cold. It should make Dean turn away, but hell changed him. Now it turns him on.

* * *

When Ruby's done, and completely covered in her victim's blood she decides the imposter's too far gone to be fun. All it takes is a look, the moment it crosses her face Dean is standing up and following her. They go upstairs. She throws him down on the bed before he can say a word she's on top of him taking off her shirt, "Ruby I-"

"Don't talk Dean." She crushed her mouth to his and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"How did-"

"Shut up and fuck me." Dean saw it in her eyes then, his own nightmares reflected back at him. When hell strips you bear it leaves you with only two instincts, the urge for violence and to fuck. So they fucked because they were both so broken that's all they could feel anymore. It wasn't gentle, or sweet or any sort of proper reunion. It was rough and violent. But they couldn't stop so they did it in the bed, on the floor, against the wall, in the shower. In every position either had known. It was all rough hands and harsh grips that would leave them both bruised in the morning. But they didn't care, when it hurt they just came harder. When they were both heaving chests and sweaty bodies on the floor, when they were both sure their bodies couldn't take anymore Ruby shrugged her jeans on, Dean watched her but didn't say a word she left with a "Don't follow me."

_Ruby moved to get out of bed. Dean watched her grab her jeans and move to shrug them on. "You don't have to go."_

_Ruby rolled her eyes. "Of course I do."_

"_No. Seriously Sam's staying with Bobby tonight."_

_Ruby shook her head, "That's not why I have to go." The silence that followed was the only question Ruby needed. "I'm not going to crawl in bed and cuddle til the sun comes up Dean. This isn't One Tree Hill, fuck buddies don't have sleepovers."_

_Dean rolled over so he could pull her down into his lap. "You're one messed up chick you know that?"_

_She tried to laugh. "Yeah, hell does that to a girl."_

_She started to wriggle away from him again, his arms came around her waist firmly trapping her. "One, I don't think I said anything about cuddling. Two, I'm just saying you don't have to go. It's late and it's cold as shit outside and I might actually have another round in me in an hour and we can't fuck if you're across town."_

_She bit her lip to keep from smirking. "You know what would make me stay?" Oh dear… Dean knew what was coming. He didn't bother letting her finish the sentence he threw her back on the bed and crawled on top of her. "I thought you wouldn't recharge for another hour?"_

_She giggled, god he loved it when she giggled. "Don't play coy, you know this isn't about me." So she stayed. The whole night and half of the next morning and despite how adamantly she would deny it they cuddled the whole damn time. They have a problem keeping their hands off of each other. And despite what they both told the world, they stopped being fuck buddies a long time ago. That had been the first night she stayed, but eventually she stopped trying to leave._

* * *

That's how their lives went for the next few weeks. Ruby would leave in the morning as the sun was coming up. Dean would try to sleep only to be woken by nightmares before nine. He'd go downstairs and start drinking. He and Bobby would research all afternoon. Cas would stop by occasionally with another battle for them to fight. They'd all ignore it as Sam folded in on himself out of guilt and fear and other emotions that Dean was too tired to identify. Dean was too busy fighting his own battles. Fighting the screams in his ears, and the victims behind his eyelids. The memories were crushing him. None of them talked much. Ruby would come back after dark, every night. Without fail. She and Dean would go downstairs. They'd torture it together, some days they asked questions about why she did it, others they didn't bother, the answers really didn't interest them. Then they'd go upstairs and make each other feel until they were sure they were human again.

Dean had a lot of questions for her, how'd she get back? Who got her? What was it like for her? But she wouldn't talk. So Dean didn't force it he just called Castiel. "Ah Dean, I was expecting you to call sooner."

Stupid angels and their all knowing ways. "Did you do it?" Straight to the point.

"Dean I told you, heaven would have never allowed me to get her for you." He seemed even more formal than usual.

"Then how-" Wait, he never actually said he didn't get her, just that he wasn't allowed to.

"Miracles happen sometimes Dean, you shouldn't question how."

So then he did do it. Castiel defied heaven for a demon, for _his _demon.

"Thank you."

"It wasn't for her." And then he's gone.

* * *

Ruby wouldn't talk to Sam anymore, she couldn't. Sam was persistent though and kept trying. If he talked she turned her back. On the rare occasion he'd address her directly she'd respond with a prompt "Go fuck yourself." and leave the room. Dean would have called it childish if he hadn't seen the look in her eye as she turned away. It was pure rage tempered only by how broken she was. So Sam stopped talking when she was around, stopped begging them to let him talk to the imposter. They should have known, Sam doesn't give up.

_Sam was sitting on the bed staring at his laptop screen, researching, as always, when Ruby blew through the door. _

"_Hey kid." She threw herself down on the bed next to him. It had been an exhausting week._

"_Haven't we discussed the 'kid' thing?" He shot her an annoyed look._

_She feigned interest. "You know what? We have, you said you didn't like it, and I said too damn bad." She grinned up at him from where she was laying._

"_Great. Glad to know we're clear on that." His annoyance barely covered his easy smile at her._

"_What have we got?" she gestured to the laptop but still didn't move from her position._

"_On the changelings? Not much. Just that they make themselves look like children." _

_She sighed. "Nothing I can't handle if your brother stays out of my way." Her lips were pursed, Dean was pissing her off again, well more like continually._

"_Ego problems?" Sam set the bait._

"_The size of Texas." She shook her head in annoyance._

"_I meant you." He raised his eyebrows at her._

"_Excuse me? I don't have an ego problem. I just know how awesome I am." Her eyes were playful._

_He couldn't control the smirk that played on his face before his next sentence, "You know sometimes you're as bad as Dean."_

_Her eyes sprung open and she flipped over so she was on her elbows. "What did you just say?"_

"_I just implied that occasionally you and Dean have fights for ego of the year." He was trying really hard not to laugh._

_Her eyes flashed black. "Take it back." _

"_Oooh, no. Not the black eyes. I'm so afraid." His voice shot up in pitch and his hands shot up in mock surrender. _

"_Dick." But she was smiling. _

"_Whore." He smiled back at her. _

_Everyone tends to forget that Ruby and Dean took a while to warm up to each other. All people remember is their love story. But people who were there when she first blew into their lives like a hurricane know that Ruby and Sam were best friends long before Ruby and Dean were a notion in the others mind._

* * *

One day Ruby shows up while they're all crowded around Castiel learning about the next battle they have to fight for heaven. She strolls in like she always does, like she owns the place and grabs the beer out of Dean's hand. "Who's the nerd?"

"Uh Ruby, this is Castiel, Cas... this is..." Dean was entirely too uncomfortable with this situation.

"You must be the abomination Dean's been copulating with. I would say it's nice to meet you but I'm not supposed to tell falsehoods." Dean suddenly wished he wasn't standing between the two. Dean also wasn't entirely convinced Ruby knew Castiel was the one that saved her, she might say something bitchy... who was he kidding it was Ruby... this would be fun.

Ruby raised her eyebrows at Dean. He just shrugged he'd given up trying to give Cas a filter. "And you must be touched by stuffy and boring." She gives her best sweetheart smile but his lack of response makes it hard for her to maintain the face.

"Dean. Can you make her leave? I'm uncomfortable when she's touching you." Ruby almost spits up her beer.

"You know, if you two want a room...?" Ruby gestures between Dean and Castiel and puts her hands up in surrender.

"You're hilarious." He says to Ruby and then turns to Cas, "No, she's not leaving, she's helping with this case." She starts to protest but the angel looks upset, and she decides she enjoys it when he's bothered.

She told herself it would be just this one hunt, but once you start, it gets in your blood. Ruby's no different.

* * *

Eventually Ruby starts talking to Dean. The first time it's in bed. Clearly. They just finished and were lying sideways on the bed still breathing hard. "How'd you know?"

Dean was surprised, Ruby didn't say much these days, she asked fewer questions. "Know what?"

Dean propped his head on his elbow to look at her. "That it wasn't me. How'd you figure it out so fast, you were back for what? Three weeks?"

Dean nodded. "Pickles."

It was Ruby's turn to be surprised she looked at him for a second, "I'm sorry?"

"She ordered extra pickles on her burger," He let it sit but she didn't respond, "You hate pickles." She still wasn't talking or blinking or breathing. Dean was afraid he broke her, so he kept talking. "Then I called her hell bitch and she looked like I was calling her dumbass…" She blinked, that was progress so he kept going, "and I might have sung "You Shook Me All Night Long" and asked her to sing along, she didn't know the lyrics." He waited. Waited for her to respond a minute, two, three. When he decided she wasn't going to speak he continued. "But what really did it was when I dropped a comment about Eli and she called him a bitch. It wasn't that hard."

Ruby looked like she was trying to solve the hardest math equation in the history of the world. Dean willed her to speak. She just stared at the ceiling like she didn't understand. The silence grew. "Say something." Now that she was listening Dean wanted to keep talking he wanted to tell her everything, to shift the weight off his shoulders for a night, but then he remembered what he'd done to deserve all that weight. He kept his secrets for another night.

She didn't say a word; she just tackled him and crushed herself against him.

* * *

The second time they talked Dean had been out in the junkyard. Ruby was just arriving, as the sun disappeared from the sky. She grabbed a beer and sat on the hood of the Impala to watch him work. She always loved to watch him work. After a while she found her words. "Sam didn't know."

Dean didn't need to ask what she was talking about he stopped working and leaned against the car. "No. He didn't."

"He was with her for four months and he didn't know." She didn't sound hurt, that'd be too human. She sounded bored.

"He had just lost-"

Ruby's eyes flashed black. "Don't you dare talk to me about what he had lost." She spat the last word at him.

Dean had had enough. The two of them had to stop this. His eyes went hard and his knuckles turned white on his wrench.

Ruby turned her beer up and braced herself. She knew what was coming. "Don't-."

"How could you leave him?" He saw real emotion on her face for the first time since she came back from hell.

Dean watched her, trying to identify the emotion covering her face, it isn't guilt, it's something worse. "I couldn't stay."

Dean let it go, neither could handle the real emotions he felt about it tonight. "He messed up. But so did you." Then after another minute, "He loves you."

"No." Ruby's voice was solid. "But you do." It wasn't a question even though he'd never actually said it out loud.

It didn't need to be said. "Yes. I do."

_Ruby was feigning sleep in the backseat. They were on their way to Lilith's. She wasn't ready for this fight, it might be the most important one of her too long, too hard life. And all she could do was pray it would hold off for a few more hours. "Ruby? You awake?" Dean called back to her. She had just listened to Sam try to give the goodbye speech, fake sleep was her best option here._

"_Yeah." She didn't even pretend to be groggy she just sat straight up._

"_I need to talk to you guys." Sam and Ruby shared a look. Well this was… ominous._

"_So tonight, if things don't…" His voice was gruff. "Look, I've never had many people in my life, and even fewer that actually meant something to me."_

_Ruby knew where this was going, she couldn't handle his goodbye, divert with humor. "Aw shucks Dean are you going to propose?" He shot her a 'you think you're funny but you're not' look through the rearview mirror._

"_When I'm gone I need you guys to do something for me." Sam sat up now, he never talked about his death like this before._

"_Okay." Sam agreed readily, Ruby wasn't so sure._

"_You two take care of each other okay? You've both got hell on your heels and you won't make it alone, so just, promise me. Promise me. You'll look out for each other."_

_Sam looked back to Ruby, "Of course." They were family. Ruby bit her lip, this was his dying wish, she wasn't going to agree to anything that made it easier for him to leave her. Ruby would have looked after Sam weather Dean asked her to or not but he didn't need to know that. She wasn't going to answer but then he locked his eyes on her through the rearview and she knew she couldn't actually deny him this. It was Sammy, he was putting her on level with Sam._

"_Sure. Whatever, I'll look after sasquatch." But it was enough, Dean knew she'd keep her promise._

_She and Sam locked eyes in the mirror. He was terrified and she would have given anything to tell him it would be alright, but it wouldn't, and she was never one for false comfort._

* * *

The third time they talked Dean was the one to start it. They were upstairs, they finished a bit ago but Ruby hadn't moved to leave yet. He took it as an invitation. "You didn't tell them." It wasn't a question.

"You're gonna have to be more specific."

"They tortured all kinds of information out of you but you never once told them anything about us." Ruby rolled over to leave. But Dean had been prepared for that. Ruby has a very predictable response to emotion: run. He pinned her next to him. "Why. Just tell me why."

"It really wasn't that important."

"Bullshit."

"What? Are you afraid you didn't rock my world as hard as you thought?" And if she can't run, she distracts.

"Not really where I was going with this... but hey if you wanna keep score..."

"I was trying to make sure you guys could figure it out shortbus." She seemed surprised by her own outburst.

"Shortbus?"

"If I have to explain why that's an insult…"

"I get it, just commenting… Anyway you were saying."

It took her a minute to start again. "There were certain things they knew, like that I was helping Sam and that I spent time with you two, which cases I worked, I _had _to tell them that stuff, but they didn't know… about you. I thought if there were holes that he would notice them. I was _trying _to make it easy to figure out."

Dean finally understood, Ruby fought tooth and nail, fought with everything she had to hang onto her humanity, not for herself, or even for Dean, but to help Sam figure it out, to protect him, and he never did.

"Sam didn't know." Dean said it like it was the answer.

"Sam didn't know." Ruby said it like it was the problem.

"When you left him… You were…" The question in his eyes was all she needed.

"Coming to get you." She put her clothes on and left without another word.

* * *

The fourth time they talked was after Sam pulled his little stunt. He had snuck down to see _it_. He spent the night down there asking it why and how and for who. None of them would ever know what she said but whatever it was, it was enough to make Sam untie her and let her out of the devil's trap. They were sneaking out the front door.

"Going somewhere?" Ruby looked deadly standing on the stairs. Black eyes, head cocked to the side, truth was she had never been more dangerous.

"It's time to let her go Ruby."

Ruby's black eyes mirrored the imposters. "No. She doesn't get to leave."

"You've had your fun with her but it's over. She's leaving." Sam tried to let her walk out the door but Ruby was like a feral animal. She attacked them both without reservation. Sam took just as many blows as _it _did. The fight ended with Ruby pressing her knife to the imposter's throat and Sam pressing the colt to Ruby's head. No one was giving ground, the standoff would only end with one of them dead.

Upstairs Dean heard the tussle and knew it meant nothing good. Dean came sprinting down the stairs only to stop in his tracks. "Sam. Put the colt down." Sam didn't move. "Now!" He didn't blink.

"He was trying to let _it_ go Dean. He was trying to let her go!" Ruby was finally angry enough to scream.

"Dean, what the two of you are doing is wrong, she isn't evil, she's trying to help me."

"Sam." Dean spoke slowly as if to a child. "Put down the colt and we'll talk about it."

"No. If I put it down Ruby will kill her." Ruby didn't deny it. The imposter was keeping quiet, she knew she had nothing to gain from opening her mouth.

Ruby pushed the knife harder, drawing blood, Sam's finger twitched on the trigger. Dean lost it. "Goddammit get that gun away from Ruby's head!" Sam was just startled enough by Dean's outburst to look away from Ruby. In the second it took Ruby knocked the gun out of his hand and slid the knife but the imposter slipped through her fingers and ran out the front door. She got away.

Ruby punched Sam. Dean let it happen. "You _fucking_ retard! The first thing she'll do is run back to hell and tell them everything. _Everything_ she's learned in the last five months! And considering all the pillow talk I'm sure went down she learned _a lot._" Ruby was towering over Sam. He had been knocked to his knees by her blow.

"No, she won't she's not like that." Sam moved back to his feet.

"Of course she is Sam! She's a demon."

"Look who's talking!"

Ruby laughed. "You might be the most gullible man to walk the face of the planet!" Sam turned away from her, taking a step toward the stairs. She didn't hesitate she grabbed his arm and ripped him around to face her. "Oh, no, I'm not done with you yet."

"What more do you want to say Ruby? Cause you've said more to me in the last five minutes that you have in the last month. I guess I should be grateful you've finally decided I'm worth your attention. Or do you just want to hit me again?"

"Dammit Sam!" Ruby ran her hands through her hair.

"What? Why dammit Ruby? Cause I let her go?" Sam looked so confused, so lost. How could he not understand?

Ruby had to turn away this time. "No! Because you spent four months with her and didn't know it wasn't me! Because now you _know _it's not met and you're still willing to hold the _colt _to my head for _her._" Her voice ran with the emotions she kept trying to put away. Sam's voice softened, but only slightly.

"Ruby. She knew things, things only you would know!"

"Yeah, because she was torturing them out of me in hell! If you'd paid attention you would have noticed I changed things! You should have known!"

"Well apparently not enough. You're the one that spilled our secrets like a rat."

It took everything in her not to hit him again. "You son of a bitch if you knew… If you had any idea what she did…" Sam sobered a bit at the thought of what they'd have to do to Ruby to get her to turn on them. "You didn't want to see it Sam. We both know that. You were so wrapped up in her that you didn't care if it was me or not"

"How could you say that? Of course I cared!"

"Tell me Sam how many times did you make Dean prove it was really him? You tested everything in the book on Dean, you made_ sure_ it was him. What did you make her do Sam?" Silence. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Ruby was at the door before either spoke again, "You're the one that left _me. _Don't try and make this my fault you were too much of a coward to stay." Instead of turning around to punch him, which was her first instinct, Ruby stormed outside. She couldn't be in there anymore.

Dean followed her promising to deal with Sam tomorrow. "Ruby! Wait up." To his surprise she slowed down halfway through the junk yard. He caught up with her. Before he got another word out she was slamming her lips on his. She had him pressed up against the Impala unbuttoning his pants in a second.

"Whoa. Whoa. Ruby hold on." She didn't stop. "Ruby!" He grabbed her hands and held them still.

"Dean didn't you once tell me not to look a gift orgasm in the mouth?" Her comment was calm but everything else about her screaming panic, screamed that she was losing control.

"Ruby enough."

"You used to say you'd never get enough of me." She smirked trying desperately to draw him in but he couldn't ignore the desperate look in her eyes.

"Ruby. You can't keep fucking everything away."

"Wanna help me try?" She wasn't the kind to give in that easily.

"Dammit Ruby." Oh no, he used that tone he reserved for Sam. "Ruby I need you to talk to me." He was pleading with her to let him back in. She pushed away from him like he'd burned her.

"You wanna talk about our feelings now? No chick flick moments Dean, remember?"

"This is different and you know it." His hands were on his hips Ruby knew this Dean, he was out of his mind with frustration at her. Crap. Shit. Damn. Hell. Fuck. Bitch. He gave her the eyes. She can't say no to those. He fixed her with an intensity that ripped through her. "Just, _talk _to me."

"I can't! Dean." She was slipping.

"It's pretty simple you learned when you were two." Smart ass.

"I can't talk about it- Cause if I- I can't let it in." She was cracking.

"You have to feel it sometime sweetheart. It's what makes you human."

"I _can't." _Her voice broke on the word. "If I let it in, it'll crush me. Don't you get that, if I feel any of it, if I feel you or Sammy then everything they did- everything they made me- It'll bury me alive." She was doubled over clutching her stomach like she was being ripped apart on the inside. "Do you want that? Huh? Do you want me to suffocate right. In. Front. Of. You." She emphasized every word as her fist slammed into his chest. His arms came around her instantly. Let her hurt him. Let her get even a little of it out. He'd hold her til the end of the world. She was sobbing. "Don't! Please don't make me!" She was breaking apart in his arms. Her knees gave out beneath her but Dean just slid to the ground with her and held her. Between sobs she begged him not to make her feel. She started hitting him again, pounding on his chest. "This is your fault! You did this to me!" She breaks in another sob. Pound. Pound. Pound. "Why'd you have to make me _feel. _You made me human_. _They can-" Sob. "Only. Hurt you if-" Sob.

He rubbed his hand over her hair. "Shhh. I'm here sweetheart. I'm here." They laid there in the dirt, her falling apart and him desperately trying to keep the pieces together. When she was completely cried out and too exhausted to move he scooped her up and took her upstairs. Delicately, like she might break again he took off her shoes, and her jeans and crawled in bed next to her. It was the first time they slept in the same bed together since hell, it felt like coming home.

_Dean fell in love with Ruby first. Surprised? You shouldn't be. Once he got past the 'demon thing' Ruby was the woman he never knew he was waiting for, and underneath all the womanizing Dean Winchester has always been a romantic. The moment he fell in love with Ruby wasn't like the movies there was nothing grand or even really special about the moment other than it would be engraved into his mind forever as the moment he fell in love with the love of his life._

_Ruby wasn't tipsy. Not tipsy at all. She stumbled over a bar stool. Okay, maybe just a little tipsy. Dean was watching her from across the bar. Her face was flushed from the alcohol and her eyes bright. She was beautiful. But that's not what he noticed, he noticed she was smiling. One of those rare Ruby smiles, that probably also had to do a little with the alcohol._

_She was closer now and some old song started to play over the jukebox. Ruby lifted her arms over her head and started to move with the music. Dean laughed, sober Ruby would kick her own ass in the morning._

_She spotted him watching. "Dean." Her smile got bigger._

"_Hey Ruby."_

"_Dance with me Dean." She held out her arms to him, he just shook his head._

"_Sweetheart no one else is dancing."_

_Then she giggled, Ruby giggled. The rest of the world went dim. She put her fists on her hips and Dean could have sworn she sobered up because the look she gave him was all Ruby. Full of power, and demands, and promise. "Dean, you and I don't dance for anyone else. We dance because it makes us feel alive." Cheesy. Yeah whatever. You didn't see her eyes when she said it. But Dean did. He knew how true those words were, he and Ruby didn't dance their little dance for anyone else. And she did, God she did. She made him feel alive. And he knew, because that's what love is. Someone who makes you feel alive. She was his someone now. The light hit her from behind framing her perfectly. He swore she looked like an angel, despite the irony there. She was the woman who made him smile despite the hell that loomed, she was the woman who understood the darkness inside him like no one else could, and she was _his _woman. And Dean loved her._

_No, when Dean fell in love with Ruby there was nothing epic about it._

* * *

Days passed. Ruby had been gone when Dean woke up that morning and she hadn't come home since. He didn't know where she was or what she was doing. She just left. He wasn't surprised, have I mentioned the running thing? Dean didn't try to find her, he knew she's find her way back eventually. When a man loves a woman the way Dean loves Ruby he knows her better than he knows himself. Sam was even more sullen than usual. Dean tried to talk to him. But they're both Winchesters and it ended the way their talks usually do with frustration and yelling and stubborn heads butting.

"Sammy what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I was done watching her be Ruby's little chew toy." Sam looked so frustrated, no one would listen to him anymore.

"Does the word _evil _not mean anything to you anymore?"

"She's not evil! Stop saying she is!"

"Sam _it_ lied to you, for months, for five months, _it_ manipulated you into doing god knows what"

"Her name is Kristy! She didn't manipulate me into anything. She saved me when Ruby didn't give a damn!"

"Don't talk about things you don't understand! Try for a second to think about what Ruby went throu-" It was a harsh subject.

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child!"

"Then stop acting like one!"

* * *

Weeks passed. She didn't come back. Castiel told Dean about Sam, and then Dean saw it happen for the first time. Dean watched his little baby brother who once upon a time wanted law school and Jessica and babies and… apple pie. He watched that same Sam exorcise a demon with his mind. All while _it _watches, coaches him, whispers lies into his ear. The blow out then had nothing on Ruby and Sam.

"Dean. Please, let me explain."

"Let you explain? You're actually gonna to explain this?" Dean's body is rigid with anger. "Is this what you were doing with her the whole time?" Silence. Dean throttles him.

"Satisfied?" Again.

"The whole damn time! No wonder you didn't want Ruby and I back. Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?"

"Human? You wanna talk about human, your girlfriend's a demon! I'm just exorcising demons!"

"With your mind! If I didn't know you, I'd want to hunt you. Do you even get that? What that _thing _is doing to you-"

"Her name is Kristy! You're a fucking hypocrite! I'm pulling demons out of innocent people! I'm helping people and all you're doing is trying to torture the one person who's helping me!"

"You really think _this _is helping you? You think turning you into some _freak _who controls demons with his mind is _helping _you?" It was the word freak. Sam visibly flinched. Then he was at the door. "We're not done here!" Sam kept walking. "Sam!"

When Dean finally got back to Bobby's Sam was there waiting, like always, except now when Dean looked at him all he saw was black smoke and headaches. Somehow she must have known because she finally showed up that night. Everyone else was in bed he was on the couch nursing a beer, he didn't need to look up to know she was there. "Did you know?"

"Yeah, I knew."

Dean threw the bottle clear across the room. "How could you not tell me?"

"I thought it was over, when you tied her up I thought he was done."

"I should have known. You should have told me."

"Why Dean? So you and Sam could drift further apart? I wasn't going to be responsible for that."

"Oh yeah and he and I are just damn peachy now!" Dean had gotten up and crossed the room. She didn't remember the last time he had been this mad. "Did you want this? Want him to become this?"

"What? No! Of course not."

"He's sending them to hell with his _mind." _His fist hit the wall.

"Say it." Ruby had to brace herself, it would get worse before it got better.

"It's your fault." She held her tongue. "You _left _him. You left him broken! You left him vulnerable. You left him and she swooped in and got in his head! If you weren't so much of a _coward _we wouldn't be here!"

She didn't mind. She's let him take it out on her all night if that's what he needed. Her voice was soft and easy, "I was coming to get you."

"And that turned out great." But the venom in his voice was gone. He seemed to have lost his fire. He seemed to deflate back onto the couch, head falling into his hands. "Dammit." Ruby was on her knees in front of him.

"Dean. Dean." She pulled his hands away from his face. "We're here now. He'll be okay."

"No. You don't understand. He was supposed to be the good brother, the redeemable brother. He was supposed to be the good one!"

"Dean. You're good. You fight evil for a day job I'm pretty sure that puts you in the plus column."

He looked up at her. Her heart broke, because where dancing green eyes once stood she saw reflected back at her fire and brimstone and blood. "No…"

The smirk on his face sent chills down her skin. "What? Never thought I'd go dark side?"

"Dean. I-I should have known. I'm sorry. I'm here, I'm here now. I know what it's like down there."

He scoffed and shook his head. "You know what it's like? Is that supposed to make it better? That you know what it was like? Thirty years, for thirty years they ripped me apart in ways I-" He swallowed and shook his head, "I didn't know were possible, you know about the moment when you're whole again, just a moment before they start in on you again?" Ruby just watched him, "You know about the offer how they'd come in and offer to let me off the rack? About how for thirty years I told them to fuck off," tears were streaming down his face now, "But after- I couldn't anymore. Do you know how I got off that rack and started ripping souls apart, tearing them to shreds, soul after soul for years?" She wiped the tears from his face even as he replaced them with new ones. She didn't need to say anything she just wrapped her arms around him and held on for both of their lives. "One of us has to be good Ruby. The things I did- I'll never be clean of them. I still see them Ruby! I still _feel _them!" She wishes she could tell him it goes away. She won't lie to him. It never goes away.

She won't say it'll get better or that he'll be okay. It won't and he won't, not anytime soon. Instead she just holds him tighter and says, "It's over now. It's over. Breathe. Just, breathe." They stay there until dawn starts to peak its way through the window. Then they pick their weary souls up off the floor and trudge up the stairs hand in hand and slide into bed next to each other. Limbs tangle together and they both refuse to let go. Without each other the weight of the world waits to crush them both.

_The moment Ruby fell in love with Dean, it was pretty damn epic. The moment took Ruby by surprise, she had been falling for him for a while, but the moment caught her of guard. They were between cases again taking some down time. Dean had put in a special request for where they stayed this time. They were in a decent sized city in north Georgia, it had been a hell of a road trip, but Dean was a dying man. If he asked for something they pretty much gave it to him. Dean had _insisted _they go to this little rock and roll dive kind of off the beaten path. Ruby assumed it would be empty, just some trophy in his mind that didn't live up to the hype, but when she walked in it was anything but empty. The place was packed. There was a band set up on a stage and Ruby had the distinct impression this place was going to be full of country and rock and roll from all the boots and leather. "Dean?! Dean Winchester!?" The bartender called to them from behind the bar._

"_Evan! Hey man!" Dean let himself behind the bar without hesitation and bear hugged the man._

"_Dude. What are you doing here? It's been forever." Ruby listened as Dean fed him something about work and being busy. She wasn't really paying attention to the words because the moment Dean stepped into this place all the weight of hell on his heels slipped away. His smile was infectious and his eyes were dancing, he looked more alive than Ruby had ever seen him, she couldn't take her eyes away._

"_Hey Chris! Look what the cat dragged in!" The bartender, Evan, Ruby thinks called to some guy who was setting up microphones on the stage. Ruby shared a look with Sam, apparently he was lost too. The guy jumped down and made his way through the crowd immediately calling to three or four guys along the way that Winchester was back. They surrounded him around the bar. Joking and laughing and looking like the world was entirely theirs._

"_Oh! Guys, I almost forgot," Dean finally remembered them, "This is my brother Sam." They all said hello, that they had heard a lot about him. "And that's Ruby." Dean grabbed a beer from the fridge and gestured to her. _

"_Hello sweetheart." One of the guys slid up to her and slid his arm around her shoulder. She should have stopped herself but she grabbed his arm and pinned it up against his back._

_All the guys were hollering and cat calling at her. "Don't call me sweetheart." She let him go and gave the rest of them her best sweet smile. "Hi guys."_

_Dean chuckled, a real honest to god chuckle. "Well Dean looks like you found yourself a little spitfire."_

"_Sorry Luke, I should have warned you, she bites. Sweetheart try not to break anyone tonight." He winked at her and no one missed that Dean was allowed to call her sweetheart. "Sam, Ruby, this is Evan, Chris, Luke, and Steve."_

_Ruby didn't bother trying to remember their names._

"_So, man, you gonna play with us tonight?" the scrawny one spoke, Ruby wondered what game they were going to play._

"_I don't know guys, I'm a little rusty." Dean leaned against the counter, Ruby just couldn't take her eyes off of him, he looked so, relaxed._

"_Oh come on man, just a few." The guy who was on stage earlier spoke up, then they all joined in._

"_Alright, alright I'll play." Dean grinned like a child with a cookie._

"_Let's go then." Ruby watched in awe as they made their way through the crowd… and… up on stage? She looked at Sam imploring him for answers. He just shrugged. Apparently Sam was as speechless as she was. _What the hell is going on?

_Ruby and Sam climbed onto bar stools and got drinks, the bartender gave them to them for free. Apparently a friend of Dean's was considered family in this place. And then… then Dean Winchester picked up a guitar and started to sing… on a stage… in front of people. They played Zeppelin, and AC/DC and Metallica and Motorhead and every band that had ever played through the Impala speakers. Ruby was struck by the thought that Dean Winchester looked at home up there. As the night was winding down Dean whispered something to the guys and took the front microphone._

"_Hey everybody. You havin' a good time?" The screams from the girls made Ruby want to punch something. "Yeah? Me too. Well we're almost done up here but before we go I have a little treat. We're gonna slow things down a minute." Dean looked back at the guys and they started to play, "Chris originally wrote this one, but he's letting me borrow it tonight," He seemed like he was done but then he stepped back up and said, "Sweetheart, this one's for you." Ruby stopped breathing. Literally stopped breathing. The lights hit him and he counted them off. His lips went to the microphone. Then he smiled, and took her breath away all over again. He was beautiful. It had been building all night. It had been gaining speed ever since they stepped inside but right then it hit her like a freight train. "Dammit." Because she knew, she could deny it all she wanted, she could pretend otherwise but she would always know. Know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she was completely, forever, in love with Dean Winchester._

* * *

Sam was a wreck. Worse actually. He was in the basement alone, throwing furniture and breaking everything he could get his hands on. That's how Ruby found him. "Hey kid." She called from the top of the stairs.

"Go away Ruby." He said her name like it was a curse. For the first time in a very long time, Ruby cared.

"You know I'm pretty sure Bobby wouldn't appreciate you hulking out on his furniture." She took a few, careful steps down the stairs.

"Not really on my list of problems right now." He avoided looking up at the stairs as he threw a chair across the room.

She raised an eyebrow. "Aw, that was an antique kid." He turned on her then and she stopped her steps.

"_Don't _call me kid." She stared him down. "Go. Away."

She smiled at him, it was heartbreaking. "I'm sorry." Her voice was so soft he almost didn't hear her.

"You're sorry?" His laugh was humorless. Ruby had never seen Sam's eyes so haunted, so… angry. "You left me. You ran away and got yourself thrown in hell. You wouldn't even look at me when you got back. You let her do this to me. And you're _sorry? _Well screw you."

She was still perched halfway down the stairs, caught between her urge to save him and her desire to run. "I shouldn't have left." He wouldn't look at her again. "That's on me. But Sam, what you're doing, it's bad news."

"Don't lecture me on right and wrong. You have no right. You're not my brother." His voice was cold as ice.

"No. I'm not. But I used to be your family." That stopped him. He looked up at her. "You gotta stop this. Let me help you."

He thought about it for a minute, genuinely considered it. "I don't need you."

"No, but you need somebody. And we both know Dean's in no condition to deal with this, and Bobby wouldn't know where to start. I'm pretty much all you've got."

Sam's jaw clenched and the anger seemed to have him again. "No thanks, I'm supposed to be staying away from demon skanks." That hurt. Like a bitch.

_Sam was still clinging to Dean's lifeless body. "Sam." He just kept sobbing. "Sam." Her voice was firmer now, not so broken. "Sam we need to get out of here." _

_He looked up at her with a tear stained face. "No, we can't leave him."_

"_We won't but we-" She had to swallow hard. "We need to move him." She moved forward to grab Dean, or what used to be Dean, under the shoulders._

"_Don't touch him!" So she touched Sam instead she wrapped her arms around him, and he broke all over again. _

_She held him for hours, he just sobbed into her lap. "He's gone. He can't be gone. Please. Please, I need him. Please give him back!"_

_She didn't shush him or bother with false comfort. She just ran her hand over his hair and cried with him. "It's done. It's finished now." Was all she'd say. But eventually it was enough and he let her pick him up off the floor. "You're gonna be okay Sammy. I'm gonna take care of you." _

_Sam just shook his head. "No I won't."_

_See Ruby didn't abandon Sam in the beginning. In fact she was there for a while, trying her damnedest to take care of him. Ruby tried to hold herself together for him. Because Sam was so broken he forgot how to function. You see, it was Ruby who wiped away the tears and dragged Sam away from Dean's lifeless body. It was Ruby who held him tight while he cried for the next two days. It was Ruby who dragged him off of that bridge he was suddenly so familiar with. It was Ruby who dug Dean's grave and put his body inside._

_Ruby fed him, and bathed him, and tried to keep him safe for as long as she could. But, no one remembers that._

* * *

Dean and Ruby started to heal together. Slowly, ever so slowly. They put each other together piece by piece. It was painstaking work and it took almost as much out of them as they got from it. There were a hundred times they both wanted to give up and give in to the nightmares and the guilt. But the other would be standing there on the edge with them dragging the other back across the line.

Dean still woke with nightmares far too early in the morning. When he woke Ruby with his cries and screams she'd sit up with him until his heart stopped racing and his eyes were sure none of it had been real. She would slide her hand into his and let him squeeze as hard as he needed. Some nights they sat there in silence. He'd fight off his demons in his mind letting her tether him to this world. He'd pull her closer to him and breathe in her smell.

Other nights he'd talk to her. It started as disjointed sentences that only made sense to him, "Way too bright" or "never gonna leave." She never asked what he meant, she knew he'd talk when he was ready. Eventually he was ready. He'd just start talking when he wanted and stop when he wanted. She would listen.

"There were times, before I gave in that I thought I wasn't going to make it. I just knew that one day I'd let them have me. But I would tell myself, one more day. Just one more day. Make it one more day." That was all he said that night. The night after he was silent.

The next night it was more like this, "Sometimes they got bored with the all the physical and they'd make me see things instead. They showed me-" he had to breathe, "they made me watch myself rip Sam to shreds as he begged for his life, they made me see Bobby being burned alive right next to me, they showed me what my father went through when he was theirs, and they showed me you." She looked up at him. "They made me watch you, what happened when you were human, over and over again. When that wasn't enough they made me think I was doing it." He looked away from her and a tear streamed down both of their faces.

Ruby hated them. No one in particular, and all of them. _No. No, they don't get to have this._ So she lifted her hand up to his face and looked straight into his eyes. Her lips touched his and she brushed away the tears and the pain. That night it was gentle and easy. That night they washed each other clean.

It took a week for him to talk again but when he did the words haunted Ruby for years afterward, because she knew just how true they were. "I thought giving in would be hard. It wasn't. Not really. It was easy." He ran a hand over his face. "They uh, they told me I was good, talented they said. And damn, I think they were right. I'd string up a soul and rip and cut and burn until there was nothing but bone, and then I'd break those. And I- I enjoyed it. I _liked _it. Hell, I got off on it." He turned to look at Ruby. So much echoed behind his eyes, "What does that make me?" She didn't have an answer for him, she wished she did.

* * *

Ruby wasn't as good at talking, or letting him comfort her. Remember the running thing? That's all she ever knew how to do. So some nights when he seemed to be sleeping soundly she'd sneak out of bed. She'd shrug on one of his shirts and tip toe down the stairs. It seemed like she ended up somewhere different each of those nights. But she'd always crawl back into bed before he woke up. One time she woke up before sunrise in the backseat of the Impala curled in a ball with salty tears still fresh on her face, another time she just sat in the empty bathtub all night, fingers gripping into the sides trying to hold on to her sanity, once she even found herself on the kitchen floor staring up at the ceiling counting the demons behind her eyelids.

But then early one morning she woke up to the gentle rocking of Dean's arms as he carried her up the stairs. "Dean?" Her voice was groggy.

"Morning princess." He smiled down at her.

"What are you doing?" She tried to squirm out of his arms but he gripped her tighter and opened the door with his boot.

"You fell asleep on the porch this time, and it's 20 degrees outside, you were going to lose a toe to frost bite or catch pneumonia. I really don't like playing nurse." His voice was easy and calm.

She scrunched her eyebrows together as he sat on the bed, keeping her in his arms. "This time? You know? That I don't always stay?" Her voice was still filled with sleep.

He smiled down at her and tucked her hair behind her ear, "Yeah sweetheart, I know."

She shook her head, "but you're asleep, I make sure you're sleeping. I wouldn't leave if-" He kisses her quiet.

When they pull apart he rests his forehead on hers, "The first time I woke up alone and went looking for you, you were behind the couch. Sometimes I pretend to be asleep when you leave, sometimes when you come back, but I always come check on you."

Her heart swelled. All those nights she ran from him, he knew. He knew she snuck out and pretended he didn't know because it's what she needed. But he never actually let her be alone. She leaned in to kiss him. It started out slow and simmering but that night when he slid inside she didn't just feel alive, she felt… complete.

She still couldn't talk about it. The words wouldn't come she couldn't let him in _that far. _But she stopped leaving as much. And then she started staying.

They were building a life together.

_They were curled together in bed early one morning. They had a week and a half left to go. Sun streamed in through the window and it warmed them from the inside out. Ruby flipped on Saturday morning cartoons (for Dean when he woke up.) She slipped on his shirt and crawled to the kitchen and started the coffee._

_Hands wrapped around her waist from behind. "What do you think you're doing out of bed?" His lips were on her neck and she couldn't stop the giggle. "I wasn't done with you." He nibbled on her ear._

_She tried to stifle her moan. "I'm trying to make us some coffee, but see, someone's trying to distract me." _

"_You should let him." He whispered. She spun around and wrapped her arms around his neck. _

"_Some things are more important than coffee" He grinned and leaned down to kiss her. It only took seconds for the kiss to catch on fire. He lifted her up onto the counter. His hands wandered under her, well technically his, shirt. Ruby wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him closer. They were breathing hard and pushing harder. His hands wandered her back and her nails stroked down his spine. It wasn't harsh anymore, it was lazy and easy and full. Full of unspoken words and hidden emotions._

_Ruby giggled as she crawled back in between the sheets with two cups of coffee in hand. "Sam would be pissed if he knew we had breakfast sex on the kitchen counter." _

_Dean grinned at her, "What he doesn't know can't hurt him." _

"_Pass me that pen, will you." Dean leaned over to the nightstand and passed her the pen._

"_Oh, no, not again." He groaned._

"_What?" _

"_The crossword? I swear sweetheart once you start you become one obsessed little demon. You can't get anything done til it's finished." He tries to hide his smile._

"_Oh hush, we both know you think it's adorable." And he does, he really does._

_They curled up in the bed together and Dean watched his cartoons and Ruby did the crossword. It was the perfect morning. They both wished they could live every morning for the rest of their lives' just like this._

* * *

The angels were back and they wanted something from him. When would they understand that he wasn't theirs? He belonged to her and Sam and Bobby. _Not _them. Okay they wanted something, they'd fight the good fight for someone else one more time. It wasn't until she heard what they wanted that she felt herself start to crack. No. He wouldn't do this. He couldn't.

"Dean." She was hanging onto his shoulder. "Dean you can't do this. Dean just tell them no and let's get the hell out of her."

Dean looked down at her and she was _terrified _of what this would do to him, "No way in hell wings." He gave Ruby the smallest of smiles. She breathed out for a moment. She only got one moment.

"We raised you out of hell for our purposes." She _hated _that angel.

"Ya know what? Bite me. He's not doing it. So why don't you fuck off?" She didn't realize she said it out loud until the bald angel (the one she hated) fixed his eyes on her. The next thing she knew she was crumpled on the floor in pain. Hell all over again kind of pain.

"Mind your tone with me, demon, I'd like nothing more than to smite you on the spot." He twisted his hand.

It was Sam's arms that wrapped around her. It was Sam's voice that rang out first this time, "What are you doing to her you sick son of a bitch!" Uriel just laughed.

"Let her go!" Dean was screaming. Sam was screaming. Ruby was _literally _coughing up her insides. She was getting weaker. She felt her life slipping. Dean was at her side. She was flanked by her boys, her Winchesters, and she was still _dying._

"Stop it! Stop! You're killing her!" Sam gripped her tighter trying to keep her with them.

"We will stop… if Dean comes with us."

He looks at her and back to the angel. The look on his face breaks her heart, breaks her, again. "No! Dean. No!" She says but with the blood and the pain and the intestines on the floor it comes out like the cry of a wounded animal. Dean cups her cheek, his eyes offer all the love in the world but she knows it's not enough. Not enough to keep him sane. He kisses her forehead. He stands and moves toward the angels and she tries to reach out and grab him but she's too weak.

Then he's gone. Back into his own personal hell. And he's doing it _for _her, _because _of her. She's whole again but the pain now is so much worse than before. Sam's there though. He's really _there _with her. He strokes her hair and picks her up off the floor.

She's losing it. She's not just slipping she's free falling. And apparently hyperventilating because Sam keeps telling her to breathe. "Sam." Breathe. "We have." Breathe. "To stop." Breathe. "Him." Breathe. "Now." Breathe. "Before."

"I know. I know, we will, alright. We'll stop him. We'll find him. We'll save him Ruby."

* * *

They're too late. By, like, a lot. Dean had plenty of time to lose himself.

Alistair is tied up on the rack in front of him, kept still by every version of a devils trap Dean's ever seen. The memories hit him so hard he almost falls to his knees. "Alistair."

"Ah, Dean. It's been too long."

"You should really tell them what they wanna know, before I start."

"What you didn't miss me?"

"Don't get me wrong I would love to work you over…"

"Really? Cause I don't think you want to. I think you're scared." Dean is entirely aware what he's trying to do. He's trying to egg him on, make him give into the parts of him Ruby helped him bury. He's going to let him. He picks up the syringe and the holy water and the grin that on earth holds his childhood in it now twists into the grin he wore in hell. He goes to work. And god, does he enjoy it. He can feel himself starting to split, but somehow, by some grace he manages to keep himself together and not let his demons take over.

"Come on Dean… you can do better than this, that tickled." Alistair mocks as he coughs up salt. Dean grins up at him. "You know, you left part of yourself in the Pit. Let's see if we can't get you two back together again."

"You're gonna be disappointed." Dean will cling to his humanity for _her. _Even while he slices into Alistair's skin, he'll hold on.

"You gotta want a little payback, for everything I did to you, for all the pokes and prods?" Dean breathes through it, like Ruby taught him to do.

"No?" He waits, Dean stopped listening. "What about for all the things I did to your _girlfriend._"

Dean's head pops up. His whole body goes rigid. No. No. No.

"What? She didn't tell you?" Dean slams the iron into his ribs. "I'm gonna take that as a no." He's laughing, God make him stop laughing. "You see I had her for _hundreds, _of years before you came along, and she paid me a visit again recently… looking for you." Not for him. Make him stop. No.

"I take it you know about her _humanity _so you know about Eli? I strung him up in front of her… I made her rip him to ribbons." Dean was slipping. He couldn't hear this. "You know about how those men pushed their way inside her?" He slammed the syringe into Alistair's eye. He'd cut out his tongue if he didn't need it for him to confess. "When she was in hell I made her relive it, over and over, and over-" Dean clamped Alistair's mouth shut.

"You're gonna want to stop talking." Dean was in his face sliding into him with hot skewers again.

"But that's nothing compared to what I made her do for me this last time." This would break him. He. Could. Not. Hear. This. "Your girlfriend, she's nice inside, especially when she's begging for you to stop."

Dean broke. Hard and fast. He let his humanity fall by his feet. He let the man he only knew in hell take over.

* * *

When Ruby and Sam found him, they wished they hadn't. When his head shot up toward the door all they saw was the demon in him. "Dean." He didn't stop.

"Dean, let's get you out of here man." Sam tried. Dean didn't even flinch.

"Dean. Enough. Stop this, now." He stopped but just to look at her, he promised himself it was just to look at her. "You can't do this."

The grin on his face scared her to death. "I'm just giving him what he deserves. He told me, what he did to you." Her face was white as a sheet. He was never supposed to know those things.

"Stop. Dean. Stop." She finally raised her voice. "You will not do this for me, You will not do this_ to_ me." She was trying to rip the knife out of his hand. "That's enough!" Sam looked back and forth between them, he had no idea what Dean would do next. He sure as hell didn't expect it.

Ruby kissed Dean and Dean kissed her back. It was the most violent thing Sam had ever seen but somehow something happened inside Dean and he let her take the knife. They ran. Long and hard, anything to get away from that place. But they couldn't escape the angels, they still came, came and whispered into Dean's ear. _Your fault. _They said. _The world will end and it's your fault._

__Ruby begged them to stop breaking him. She couldn't survive without him.

* * *

Once they _finally _got home (Bobby's) Sam let them go without a word. Ruby and Dean climbed the stairs like men going to the gallows. Neither slept that night. It felt like they went back in time six months. They didn't speak either. Ruby just made him feel.

She could feel it unraveling. All the work they'd done, all the healing he'd accomplished, it was crumbling underneath her fingertips and she couldn't stop it. So she just made him feel.

It took weeks. But Ruby waited patiently. He had waited months for her to find herself again. So she waited, week, after week, after week. She watched as he disappeared from her, drowning inside himself, and then came back to her for moments at a time.

She put him back together. She made him care. He still felt a million miles away though. Finally, she let him in just so she could pull him back. Alistair had dragged most of her skeletons out of the closet anyway. He didn't talk anymore so she talked instead.

"I didn't last nearly as long as you did." Her smile was bitter. "It wasn't the torture, I mean it hurt, but, I could have held off. But, Eli he went to hell when I did. He had killed four men, I guess on the scales of justice or whatever it doesn't matter if the people you killed were… awful. So they strung him up in front of me… and they tortured him while I watched. Over and over, and it wasn't something they made me see, it wasn't in my mind. It was real. And he was real." Dean just pulled her close and rested her head on his chest. See, his heart was still beating.

It took her even longer to talk again, the first time had been so hard. Weeks. But she did. "When I got off the rack, I wasn't very good at it. I was squeamish and scared for them and sometimes I would throw up right in the middle. But, I was Alistair's _favorite _despite my innocence, or maybe because of it," She breathed. Just breathe. "So when I messed up he would take me and _play _with me, until I stopped messing up." She faked a laugh but Dean couldn't bring himself to smile back her.

"Once I got over my… naivety. They started testing me, drilling the humanity out of me. I passed. Every test. Every time. Until they put Eli's soul in front of me." Dean knew this story too well. "I refused, there was enough of me left to do that. So Alistair punished me. I didn't care. It was worth it, until Alistair started torturing Eli, while I watched. He told me he would stop if I took over. So I did. I tortured my brother. For years. He was the only person who ever loved me and I ripped him apart. And I… I…" She would get this out if it was the last thing she did, which it might be, "I liked it."

Somehow that's the one that got through. Somehow that helped Dean put himself back together. He wasn't alone in this. He would find his way to himself again, she would make sure of it.

* * *

They started hunting more, the seals were breaking, they had to fight. Especially now that it was _his fault. _They couldn't let the world rot while they sat on their asses. The three of them stood shoulder to shoulder and took on whatever was in front of them. But they also came home to Bobby's more than before. He always had the beds ready for them and the fridge stocked with Dean's favorite beer and Sam's favorite Chinese food.

Sam was coming back to them. In pieces, yes, but he was finally coming back to them. Ruby had never been so glad to see him. He was finally with them, he was Sammy again. He and Ruby found their way back to each other. She had been right, there were family. Sam tried with Dean, but it was harder, Dean was fighting himself. But there were moments when they were real brothers again, and it meant everything. They were all so thrilled to see his smile again. As far as they were concerned Sam wasn't sneaking out at night. As far as they were concerned Sam hadn't seen that Kristy bitch since his fight with Dean and he most certainly was not still exorcising demons with his mind. But what they didn't know couldn't hurt them, right? Right?

Their lives weren't perfect. They had never been perfect. But for the first time in a really long time they felt like _their lives _again.

Then the world came crashing down, again. The universe must really have it out for them.

* * *

Things hadn't been great, but they had been _better. _They were making progress. Then Sam put his mouth to a demon's open wound and sucked long and hard.

She watched it all like a detached stranger. She watched as her own horror was reflected back in Dean's eyes. She watched as, not guilt, but the terror of being caught washed across Sam's face. She watched as all the pieces clicked together inside Dean's head and he understood, Sammy was an addict. She watched as Dean pretended not to care. But worst of all she watched as Dean locked his baby brother in the panic room and walked away.

Wordlessly, she followed him up the stairs and into bed. They lay there on opposite sides of the bed not touching. They didn't have to say the words, their eyes and actions screamed them all the same. _Your fault. _They said. Dean blamed Ruby for leaving Sam. Ruby blamed Dean for leaving them first, for not seeing Sam once since he'd been back, for never trying to apologize. The person they both loved was being destroyed and suddenly all the work they'd done started unraveling and they were both drowning in their demons once again.

Maybe this would be the thing that broke them, it certainly felt like they were breaking. Maybe this would finally pry them from each other and throw them into the dark all alone, it was certainly dark here. Ruby could feel him slipping farther away as the minutes ticked by. She could feel the walls closing in on them. The space between them grew wider by the second and filled with all the blame they could muster. The world pressed in closer and harder by the second. She would lose him and he would lose her, and what would be left of them?

But then Sam started screaming two floors down. They heard every word, every cry, every groan. And each one sliced them open.

Dean's hand slid over next to hers. It was a small motion, he probably only moved six inches. But it was everything. She entwined her fingers in his. It was like coming up for air. They could both breathe again. They didn't speak, didn't move to touch each other, they both just laid there staring at the ceiling, listening to Sam fall apart, but their hands never flinched.

Together they would be okay. Together they'd hold the weight of the world at bay for just one more night.

* * *

_I will not speak of your sin,_

_There is a way out for him,_

_The mirror shows not,_

_Your values are shot_

_But, oh, my heart was flawed_

_I knew my weakness_

_So hold my hand_

_Subscribe me not to darkness_

_-__**Mumford and Sons**_ _To Darkness_

* * *

**Music**:

_**Mumford and Sons**_ _To Darkness_

_**Florence + the Machine **__What the Water Gave Me_

_Also, if you want to know what song Dean sang to Ruby, PM me, cause I know, if you'd rather insert your own song, feel free._

_**A/N: I have so much to say about this story. I might do a few more things in this world, prequels, or sequels, or missing scenes. If you have any ideas, requests, or suggestions please throw them my way, in a review or a pm I just can't seem to let this version of Dean and Ruby go. I hope you felt all the heartache and joy writing this story brought me. No, there's no happy ending here but I was entirely okay with that, I don't know if this Dean and Ruby get a happy ending. **_


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